Remorse Doesn’t Rule || Life is Worth Living || Part 1

September is Suicide Awareness Month. The Holy Spirit has guided me to talk about this all month long. The plea for one’s life to be taken by God or the actual killing of oneself has happened in the Bible more than we might realize. I have found six people who have wrestled with suicide and/or suicidal ideations. At the end of the month, we’ll take a small break from major Bible studies and do a week of devotionals. I have two reasons for this:

• My next major Bible study will discuss the Old and New Testament designations of what we understand as Hell. I felt like it would be distasteful to roll right into that given the stigma and trauma that religion has caused with suicide.
• The last two major studies I’ve done (lust and sexual immorality) have been rough on me mentally. The intensity of handling those topics, including this one, has been emotionally tiring, and I need a break.

Now, before I get into this, I want to set some foundations:

• I AM NOT A THERAPIST, PSYCHOLOGIST, PSYCHIATRIST. I have an extensive knowledge of mental health understandings and biblical connections, and I want to share my own testimony and knowledge of how we can understand and wrestle with the topic of suicide from a theological perspective.
• IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR IDEATIONS, please contact your local helpline or seek a trusted person/counselor to walk alongside you:
  • You can call or text 988
  • You can call 911
  • You can reach the crisis text line by text at 741-741
  • If you’re outside of the US, please check out this Wikipedia link for resources in your country: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

To be as transparent as possible before you get into this series, I will provide you who we will talk about and their story if you’d rather read through that first instead of or before reading my study series. This will be considered your trigger warning for that series, and I will have this list available in every part (adjusted for what part we’re in). In this series, we’ll discuss the stories of:

• #1 – Judas (Matthew 27:3-8)
• #2 – Job (Job 3:11, 20-22)
• #3 – Moses (Numbers 11:10-17)
• #4 – Elijah (1 Kings 19:3-8)
• #5 – Jonah (Jonah 4:3-10)
• #6 – The Jailor (Acts 16:27-34)

I’m calling this series “Life is Worth Living.” The goal will be to talk about the struggles of these people that led them to commit or want to commit suicide and how we can work through those struggles.

Matthew 27:3-8

AMP	NLT	MSG
3 When Judas, His betrayer, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was gripped with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders,	3 When Judas, who had betrayed him, realized that Jesus had been condemned to die, he was filled with remorse. So he took the thirty pieces of silver back to the leading priests and the elders.	3-4 Judas, the one who betrayed him, realized that Jesus was doomed. Overcome with remorse, he gave back the thirty silver coins to the high priests, saying, “I’ve sinned. I’ve betrayed an innocent man.” They said, “What do we care? That’s your problem!”
4 saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” They replied, “What is that to us? See to that yourself!”	4 “I have sinned,” he declared, “for I have betrayed an innocent man.” “What do we care?” they retorted. “That’s your problem?
5 And throwing the pieces of silver into the temple sanctuary, he left; and went away and hanged himself.	5 Then Judas threw the silver coins down in the Temple and went out and hanged himself.	5 Judas threw the silver coins into the Temple and left. Then he went out and hung himself.
6 The chief priests, picking up the pieces of silver, said, “It is not lawful to put these in the treasury [of the temple], because it is the price of blood.”	6 The leading priests picked up the coins. “It wouldn’t be right to put this money in the Temple treasury,” they said, “since it was payment for murder.”	6-8 The high priests picked up the silver pieces, but then didn’t know what to do with them. “It wouldn’t be right to give this – a payment for murder! – as an offering in the Temple.” They decided to get rid of it by buying the “Potter’s Field” and use it as a burial place for the homeless. That’s how the field got called “Murder Meadow,” a name that has stuck to this day.
7 So after consultation they used the money to buy the Potter’s field as a burial place for strangers.	7 After some discussion they finally decided to buy the potter’s field, and they made it into a cemetery for foreigners.
8 Therefore that piece of ground has been called the Field of Blood to this day.	8 That is why the field is still called the Field of Blood.

What did it mean for Judas to be “gripped with remorse?” This is the Greek verb metamelomai (meta-am-el’-lom-ahee), which means to regret or repent. It’s a compound word: metá – change after being with; mélō – care, be concerned with. Combined, it means experiencing a change of concern after a change of emotion and usually implying regretting it.

Judas regretted his betrayal and was willing to return the thirty pieces of silver he was bribed with for betraying Jesus. The religious leaders refused to halt the trial. We don’t know the true reason why Judas did what he did. He might have tried to get Jesus to force his hand to lead a revolt against Rome. He might have been tempted by the thirty pieces of silver. Whatever it was, Judas regretted his decision and changed his mind. When he went to the priests to intercede, asking for help to administer the sacrifice for his sin, they didn’t. They turned against him. Rather than helping him find forgiveness, the priests said, “Sucks to suck.” Judas got rid of his silver and hung himself. In Acts, it said that Judas fell and burst open. There’s a chance, based on a historical perspective, that people later threw Judas’ body over the cliff into the Valley of Hinnom where his body was mangled on the rocks below. The priests felt no guilt in giving Judas the money to betray Jesus but wouldn’t take the money back because it was a payment for murder. Their moral compass was definitely out of whack. Their hatred for Jesus had caused them to lose all sense of right and wrong.

The results of some of the plans we make are irreversible. We have to live with the consequences of our planning if things go south. Sometimes, the intensity of the negative consequences can be too much to handle at one time. Instead of wrestling with the overwhelming emotions and the physical or mental consequences, we believe that taking our own lives is the better way to respond to the situation because we then wouldn’t have to deal with the situations or potential situations that we’re in. Judas was there, and instead of living with that intense remorse and working through those situations, he took his own life. God is a god of grace and mercy, meaning that God would have accepted his repentance even though the priests did not. God would have still welcomed Judas into the family even though he got His son killed. God forgives and forgets and knows that without the actions of Judas, we might not have seen the death and resurrection of Christ. God forgives and forgets, but that intense remorse hung over Judas’s head to the point where he couldn’t deal with himself or forgive himself.

How many of us have been there? How often have you felt intense remorse, guilt, or shame over something you’ve done and would’ve rather taken it all back instead of dealing with the results and consequences of your actions? I know I have. I was there when my actions led to my victimization in a sextortion incident. I was there when my actions led to my termination from my eight-year job. I was there when my actions led to my fear of socializing with people I didn’t know. I was there when my actions were still being used to defame, ridicule, and force me out of opportunities. At the height of it all, I thought like Judas. Yet, there was calm and peace. It took some time, about 3 weeks after everything had calmed down, but it was present.

Before I share a piece of scripture that helped me, I want to reassure you that I’m promoting you can just “pray away the suicidal thoughts.” Having the hopeful thoughts that scripture teaches us can help take us out of the moment, but the work to overcome and work through those thoughts happens through therapy, group sessions, and internal work. God will guide us down that path and place those in our path that will help us get there. I don’t want to push the belief that prayer can just “fix” things, but prayer works with our own works and faith that can help get us through it.

John 14:27

27          “I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

The peace that Jesus gives is not the absence of chaos but peace during the chaos. It allows calm to go through our minds and hearts while walking through a tumultuous time. For me, I found peace. One that was comforted with any outcome. One that was at peace with things if it went south. One that saw God’s justice to be served in whatever way needed. I still had to deal with the earthly consequences of my actions, but I had a peace that allowed me to help work through that process and a hope that I would get through it without harm. I knew that I wasn’t alone, for I had a God who overcame everything. God showed me ways to overcome my trials and showed me a community of people who would still love me despite my flaws and shortcomings. Judas had he not succumbed to his remorse, would have had a loving family that would’ve accepted him as he was and helped him walk through his respective process.

Whatever you’re feeling guilty, shameful, and remorseful over, there is a God who loves you as you are. There is a loving God who will walk with you in your path of recovery and wrestle with the consequences that come your way. God has the ultimate victory over everything, and we can rest and find peace in that.

Part 2 comes up soon! Until then, stay blessed