2 Timothy 1:7

7 The Spirit God gave us does not make us afraid. His Spirit is a source of power and love and self-control. 

Paul wrote this to Timothy, one of Paul’s proteges and current leader of the Ephesian church. Timothy was trying to handle the call to lead in the face of suffering, opposition, and fear that was common during this culture. The Emperor Nero was hostile towards Christians, where most believers were blamed for the fire of Rome and persecuted. Timothy, the young Pastor, is handling the responsibilities of sound doctrine, appointing leaders, confronting false teachers, and creating stability within the church. 

Timothy is estimated to be in his mid-30s to maybe 40. According to Barna, the current average age for a pastor is approximately the mid-50s, which definitely makes Timothy on the younger end. I remember when I took on the role as the Director of Youth and Children’s ministry at 20. I was very nervous, but extremely excited to get into it. One of the core verse that focused my ministry and my role in ministry was 1 Timothy 4:12: 

12 You are young, but don’t let anyone treat you as if you are not important. Be an example to show the believers how they should live. Show them by what you say, by the way you live, by your love, by your faith, and by your pure life. 

Learning Like Timothy Did

Paul told Timothy that his age wasn’t going to disqualify him, but it will be through his example. It served as a reminder to me as a young leader that my role wasn’t going to be diminished just because of my age, but through my actions. Unfortunately, I messed up at the end of my tenure, which I will talk about later. Going back to the original verse, there definitely were moments where I could connect with Timothy. Granted, with our culture in the United States, I didn’t face persecution or imprisonment, but I did fear rejection and shame. One of the times that made me fearful was when I truly had to share my public frustration with the kids. We were at dinner after our family programming. They wore me out that day, but it wasn’t a bad day.. At dinner, they were running around the fellowship hall like kids on sugar – and since my patience was thin – I shouted out in the middle of the fellowship hall, “SIT DOWN AND DON’T MOVE UNTIL YOU’RE BEING PICKED UP OR HEADING OUT FOR THE NIGHT.” Let it be known, I shouted that in front of everyone there. In that moment, my ‘spirit’ felt like pure fear and shame. The room went silent, and my first thoughts were: “This is it. I’m losing my job. I’m so screwed.” The fear and shame in how I responded that moment was so prevalent, and I’ll never forget this. The first response I got after that was from one of my youth’s parents who told me: “Great job!” The combined relief and frustration was the strangest feeling I received, but it hangs so heavily in my head. There were other moments during my eight-year tenure there that brought those feelings – am I good enough? Am I qualified? Do I know what I’m doing? All of these questions circulated in and out of my head as a 20 year old inheriting this job. Yet, God did not give me this power of fear to guide my work and guide my life. 

Power to Do Hard Things

God gave me the gift of power, to walk through tough moments while sharing the gospel message. There are two moments that this brings up. I remember one night when the kids were very chaotic, which is putting it politely. Arguing back and forth about typical teenage things, “teasing” each other about typical teenage things – you know – the norm. Even during the dinner, they continued this. I remember stepping away just to breathe, which was typical for me. It was always a moment to reset, but I remember that night was different. Even as time went on, my Pastor called me in and asked me if I was okay, and I started crying. I was so tired – the energy of trying to keep them in line all day was gone in the span of 3.5 hours. It was so much, my Pastor told me to take the following day off. I was gonna push through, but my Pastor didn’t do anything but demand that I have that day off. The youth, leaders, and myself had a really good conversation the following week – even with some of the youth apologizing to me afterwards, which is not common for 11-13 year olds. They recognized how out-of-pocket they were, and saw that they truly pushed me too far. It was a learning moment that helped us grow together as a group. God’s power wasn’t anything flashy, but it was through tears, rest, and repentance. 

The other moment that comes to mind is a townhall meeting the church had to have to understand a situation that impacted all of us. Our pastor at that time had married a lesbian couple offsite, which was against denomination guidelines, and when we found out – it tore us apart. So my youth and I were in there, listening as people weighed the pros and cons of if they supported the pastor’s actions or not. For me, I wasn’t going to say anything. I was just going to sit there and be the rock for the kids as they needed. Then one of my former youth came up and essentially stated: “What if it was me? Would you still be angry? Would you still be upset?” That changed things for me. I finally spoke up, and essentially stated: “My point aside – listen to the conversation we’re having, and think about that group over there. Think about their future and their lives with what’s being said.” That took power, confidence, courage, and more. To be able to have the kids focus tighter on the youth, and future, of the church instead of their own personal beliefs was different. When we gathered together, I sat everyone down and said: “No matter what comes next. We will fight as a family. We will love as a family. We will care for each other as a family. Not one of us is walking through this on our own.” That afternoon, God’s power was the courage to stop being silent, and to speak up for the future youth. 

Love Deeper Than I Knew

God gave me the gift of love, focusing on sacrificial care for people. There was one moment that comes to mind, and for privacy reasons I will keep things vague. We did have a serious moment with one of the kids that reported something intense. After deep conversations with both the youth and our Pastor at that time, we decided to monitor it closely. After that whole situation, I really did stop and process everything I had done about ministry. It taught me to look into the childhood trauma, real-life home situations of our kids, mental health awareness, and more. It taught me that the church needs to be a safe space for the kids, not just a church. It needs to be a place where the kids feel loved, seen, heard, and also are able to see and learn about the ministry of Jesus. This gave me some more grace towards the kids’ behavior. This taught me a lot about being a listener. This taught me a lot about patience. There was one time where we found out someone had written “Jesus loves you” in soap on our mirror. Can I be mad about it? Yes, they weren’t supposed to do that, but at least it was a positive message. So, instead of pausing everything and trying to sort it out. I put my high schoolers in charge of the class, and slowly pulled the kids out one by one to hear their story. After the first round of questions, I narrowed it down, but no one caved. I ended up watching the security footage, and saw the kid that did it. We had a conversation about what happened, why it was wrong, and how to fix it. It was a really powerful moment to see my anger or impatience not win, but calm and rationale did. God’s love taught me to see beyond behavior and into stories, to slow down, to listen, and to be a safe place. 

Self-Control Highs and Lows

God gave the gift of self-control, a clear steady disciplined thinking in a chaotic world. This immediately reminded me of our pandemic ministry. After I busted out of my two-week severe depression, I got down to business – I worked on both ministry lessons and fun activities. I worked on youth lessons and kids lessons. I was making 3-5 videos a week. It evolved into gaming and community content. It evolved into our own gaming ministry. It was a roller coaster of a time, but it set the tone of our return: community. The kids really didn’t have a preference of what we did, but as long as they did it together. We started to work towards this ideal and it was amazing. The re-build did not take nearly as long as I thought, and the kids really started to take over their own ministry with authority. It was beautiful. Then – everything shattered. The 1 Timothy 4:12 mindset was thrown away. The 2 Timothy 1:7 self-control was gone. I messed up. 

TL;DR – I was the victim of a sextortion incident. I was flirting with this girl online and sent a full-body nude to her. They threatened to expose it if I didn’t send them money. Out of fear and panic, I self-reported myself to the workplace to make them aware. That resulted in a 8-week administrative leave, returned with heavier workloads, biweekly updates of mental health recovery, and tighter restrictions at work. Whether or not their process was fair and just, they truly made me feel like I was a pedophile, instead of a human that made a mistake. About four months later, they fired me. The self-control left me. The discipline lapsed at a moment of weakness. I regret it immensely. What I did was genuinely wrong and harmful. However, it was a moment that led me to where I am. Where I found another church job that opened my eyes to the financial world. Where it led me to be a tax preparer. Where it led me to take this blog full-time and more consistently. This one decision was not defining me, but molding me into who I was. 

REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: Out of God’s power, love, and self-control – which do you need more of right now and why?