Introducing “Find a Friend”
It’s important that we do life with others. The reality of our world today pushes through the concept of individualism. The belief that we don’t need anyone else to find progress in life is something that is filled with struggle and anxiety. As a Christian, we are taught that we are not meant to live life by ourselves. Not only are we called to have a right relationship with God, but we are called to surround ourselves with people that will love us, care for us, encourage us, and correct us when we need it.
The goal of this series is to highlight important parts of friends, why we need friends and community, and how we can maintain these friendships in our society today.
In the Last Part
In the last part, we talked about how friendships can be long lasting. Proverbs 17:17 reminded us that friends should act in love towards each other in all parts of life, and closer friends should be able to walk with us through any adversity we face. Friends are people that can tell each other the truth without fear and judgment, help each other when one friend is in need, and remains loyal to that person (when safe) through all the highs and lows of life. A friends who’s like a sibling are people that we can reconcile with when problems show up. A close friend can help carry the burdens of life for each other. A close friend will guide us and correct us in love, not sharing out of anger, frustration, or judgment.
Tough Corrections
Today, we’re looking at Proverbs 27:5-6. We’re going to talk about how friends can have tough conversations and survive.
NASB – 5 Better is open rebuke Than love that is concealed. 6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.
NRSVUE – 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 6 Well meant are the wounds a friend inflicts, but profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
VOICE – 5 Open rebuke is better than hidden love. 6 Wounds inflicted by the correction of a friend prove he is faithful; the abundant kisses of an enemy show his lies.
Loving correction is more valuable for us than when people are silent and allow ourselves to go down a destructive path. Christ-like rebuke looks to restore someone instead of humiliate them. Affection that goes unsaid or refuses to address serious concerns fails to give help where necessary. True, genuine love looks out for the good of another, even when this correction becomes uncomfortable.
REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: When you think about having to correct a friend’s behavior (or at least talking to them about it) – how do you feel?
Rebuke This!
Let’s talking about this “open rebuke” to see how it can look in our world today. A lot of Christians will try and do this, thinking that they are helping, but are instead causing more harm. Their “love” comes off as judgment and condemnation, making themselves the arbiter of what is right and what is wrong.
What is a Rebuke?
A rebuke is the Hebrew word towkechah (toh-kay-KHAH). It’s a verbal confrontation that exposes things that are wrong and hopes for change. Sharing our rebukes in love can be a very uncomfortable, tough conversation. These may be things we tend to avoid because we don’t want to rock the boat or cause conflict. We may fear that we will lose the relationship in our loves. We may view that the love that the friendship is about is just an affirmation of the things that are going well, while ignoring the things that harmful to each person.
Pros and Cons of Rebuke
The Bible teaches us a loving rebuke is possible. Truth and love are inseparable. Now, we don’t have to go out guns a-blazing and list everything that we may have a concern about. However, when we’re witness to behavior that is concerning or potentially causing harm to themselves, you, or those around them – we can approach them with compassion and ask questions about it. They may not even realize it’s a concern until you share with with them. The goal of these loving rebukes is to restore, not humiliate. People may take these rebukes as an attack on their character, regardless of how you phrase things. The important part of the conversation is to show that you are a concerned, you love them, and you want them to succeed in all parts of life. You also want to reaffirm that you are there to help out in whatever way that looks like for them when possible. It’s important to note that, on your end, you don’t treat them like a charity case or create a self-induced savior complex. You want to ensure that you have the best of intentions to help them out without overdoing it yourself. These are conversations you want to have in private. The only reason these conversations should ever go outside of you and your friend is when you need a third party mediator to help guide the conversation. We want to be gentle, as I mentioned earlier. Watch your words, tones, and actions to ensure that you are condemning or judging that person. Your body language can say much more than any word may say. We want to be gentle, patient, and loving for that person. We want to make sure that the person feels supported, comforted, and cared for at the end of it all.
How Rebuking Should Go
So how can we share these rebukes? First, check your heart. Why are you wanting to share those rebukes? Are you sharing these rebukes for your own personal gain or for the betterment of your friend? It’s important that we keep their best interests in mind over trying to make it work for your own ego and pride. Next, gain some clarity. This looks like checking in with God and praying about what we want to share these rebukes about. It’s looking at Scripture and our own beliefs to gain an understand of what we know about these situations and how their situation is causing harm to themselves or others. After that, have the conversation in private. As we mentioned earlier, find a place that’s not in public and voice these concerns with love. Start the concerns with “I’m concerned that…” or “I’ve seen you do X and I’m concerned that…” When you keep the focus on concern, you show that you care about them and have compassion that you want to see things go positively for them. Intentionally listen to their responses and wait for them to finish before you respond. When you do respond, share what you heard them say to ensure that you understand their perspective properly. When you share you’re responses, share them with gentleness and firmness. Don’t be sarcastic, exaggerate, or judgmental. You are having this conversation because you care, not because you think that you are better than them. After the conversation happens, you can offer a restoration pathway. If you feel like they are receptive, offer ways to address the harmful behavior. Offer resources, programs, or your own accountability to ensure that they are working to make sure that can become the person that God created them to me. If you’re being met with resistance or feel like the conversation is starting to become too much for you, then it’s okay to find a third-party to help out. You can be there to help with the conversation, or simply be there as a person who loves, encourages, and care for them. Above it all, keep confidentiality and hope. You may want to talk about it with others just to get it off your chest, but it’s not helpful for them. Keep their trust sacred and personal.
REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: When you fully consider how rebuking should look like, how do you see yourself implementing them in your life?
Friends Can Do Hard Things
A true friend loves you enough to say something that may hurt momentarily, but protects us from greater harm. Friendship involves loyalty, honesty, and a concern to obey God. Faithful correction wants restoration over humiliation, like we shared earlier. The sharing of rebukes is a way that God wants us to sharpen each other and must be received with humility by those that want this wisdom. Flattery and false reassurance may feel kinder, but they lead away from the property truth and safety of personhood. Followers of Christ are called to test words that can reveal God’s truth instead of just treating them at face value.
We need to put some value behind the feedback and critiques that we receive from loved ones. The main thing is that remember the feedback comes from a loving source. Take the importance of the relationship is for you seriously. If it’s a mere acquaintance, they may hold less weight than someone who’s been a friend for many years. A true friend is willing to risk the temporary discomfort so that they can strengthen and care for you. What can help is to pray for humility before your respond for your feedback. One of the prayers I’ve heard and used is, “Lord, remove me out of the way.” It allows for my own ego, mindsets, biases, and more to not take center-stage in my thoughts and actions and allows me to receive the feedback through the lens of God’s love for me. Listen to everything they say. You don’t have to take it all to heart, but it’s kind to listen to it all of it. We take what works for us and leave the rest. We test what they say, asking for clarity and examples, and asking about how these behaviors could be considered harmful. We can reflect on these things with God and again, take what works for us and leave what doesn’t. We must give gratitude to the person who shared this information. They were kind enough to step out in faith and share this information with us, risking the discomfort and potential relationship, to say, “Hey, I care about you. I’m seeing this and wanted to share it with you.”
REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: What tough conversations do you need to have with friends?
Let’s Wrap This Up
Today, we talked about how we can have tough conversations with friends. True friends are willing to share their loving rebukes to ensure that you can be the best version of you possible. A rebuke is a verbal confrontation that hows for change. You share these out of love and care for your friend to ensure that they are not harming themselves. You don’t share them when it’s just benefiting you, but when you can extend compassion to others. It may cost a relationship and can create discomfort, but it’s to the benefit of all people involved.
Don’t forget to leave a like at the end of the blog! Let me know anything you learned or have to say about our conversation today and subscribe! Until next time, stay blessed!
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