Navigating Emotional Numbness || Where the Hurt Lives #1

Introducing “Where the Hurt Lives”

Welcome to “Where the Hurt Lives”! This series has a unique backstory behind it. Over the last 3-4 months, I have been wrestling with grief of a very close friendship I used to have. I had come to terms why it ended, how it ended, and have been at peace with the resolution for a while, but there was, and is, something that has always lingered in my heart about it. The more I started processing and talking about it, the more I am to this realization: I’m not sure if I have ever grieved it.

I recently was speaking about it to my therapist and she said it may be healthy to write about it. The more I sat with the idea, the more I really do like it. I haven’t done a deep series like this in about a year, so the timing was right. There’s a small difference in how I’m going to prepare this, and you all won’t notice anything. I’m going to prep this series in it’s entirety first, and then I will release it. The reason for this is to allow me the mental energy to share information and keep it fluid and fresh in my brain. There was a concern I had about this re-opening old wounds, and I do believe that it will still happen. I’m prepared though. I am ready to do this.

My goal of this series is two-fold. 1) I, personally, wanted to heal, find closure, and find healthy processing in my own situation. (This series will not use any real-life names or situations, but will refer to certain situations in vague and general concepts.) 2) I want this series to show you a real-life walk-through of grief. Not how we can get over it or adapt to it, at least not directly. I want this to be like the Psalms, a focus on processing the different aspects of grief. I want this to help someone feel like they are not alone in their grief.

May God make your feelings real. May God help validate your feelings. May God guide you to comfort in your situation. May God help you cope, wrestle, and work through the tough and uncomfortable feelings that this may open up for you. We’re not in this alone. I will be working through this journey alongside you, and we have a gracious, love, merciful, and just God that walks with all of us in our journeys. Amen.

REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: How has your experiences with grief or grieving been in the past? What do you hope to get out of this series?

The Many Emotions of Grief

In Part 1, we’re going to talk about the numbness that comes with grief. I want us to focus on Ecclesiastes 3:1-4. This series will be based out of the Message translation due to the emotional storytelling that I hope to portray.

1 There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

2 A right time for birth and another time for death, A right time to plant and another to reap

3 A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct.

4 A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer.

We’re going to focus on Verse 4. which I feel sums up the emotions of grieving altogether. There are times where we cry over the hurt and the heartbreak, and laugh over the memories. We lament over the loss, and cheer over the future. There’s never a linear path to grieving. There’s never a linear path to any of life’s moments. Each day brings out it’s own set of highs and lows, yet I’m reminded of what Jesus said in Matthew 6:34, “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes tomorrow.” It’s a reminder for me to come back to the present, feel what it needed to be felt right now – not what needs to be felt still or what you forgot to feel – but what is on your heart in this moment. When we focus on that, we can give it to God to help us process, validate, and progress to the next day.

Let’s now look at what Solomon was talking about in verse 4 a little deeper.

REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: When you look at the words of verse 4 as of right now, how does that feel to you in your memories of grieving? Does that feel accurate? Does it feel wrong? Is it a mix?

The Duality of Grief

The emotions listed in this verse highlight the duality of the human emotional spectrum, and how our experiences correlate to them. Crying suggest times of mourning or distress. Laughing suggests time of joy and celebration. The balance between weeping and laughter reflects the human condition and seasons of life that are empowered by God.

The same can be said for Mourning. Mourning connects to rituals of wearing sackcloth, fasting, and lamenting. It’s a time for reflection and seeking God’s comfort. Cheering is connected to worship and celebration. We see here the cyclical nature of life and the hopes of restoration and joy.

To summarize,

• Crying – mourning and distress
• Laughing – joy and celebration
• Lamenting – reflection and seeking God’s comfort
• Cheering – worship and celebrating.

We attend funerals and celebrations of life. We mourn the loss and reflect on the impact of the person’s life. We tell the joyous memories and celebrate the life they once had. All of these emotions are impactful in the grieving process. What happens when you feel it all at once though? What happens when the emotions feel so intense, you don’t tend to feel anything at all. This is where I have experienced numbness.

REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: How do intense emotions impact you? How do they affect your mental health, emotional health, and/or your physical health?

Overwhelming Numbness

From a psychological and therapeutic perspective, emotional numbness is a survival mechanism that clicks on when our nervous system is overwhelmed by intense emotion. When we feel intense grief, fear, shock, and stress that we can typically bear, the system “shuts down” feeling in order to protect the system. So please know this: feeling numb in moments of grief is not abnormal and doesn’t mean you are broken, it means your body is protecting itself. (paraphrased from: https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-numbing-symptoms-2797372) This is a very impactful way to understand it, because this is something I’ve wrestled with for years. Intense feelings of grief and heartbreak has allowed me to feel my emotions (like when I was fired from my youth ministry job or when my childhood cat died) but it has allowed me to not feel my emotions (like when my high school girlfriend broke up with me or when I lost my best friend of many years.) Knowing now, that the lack of emotional response was my body saying, “We’re feeling a lot right now. It’s valid, but I need to protect you.” It’s a very wholesome way to think about things. Our hearts, mind and souls are taught to feel these emotions, but also has protective measures when things get to be a lot for our bodies to process. This is when we need additional measures to help us process these things – God, prayer, communities, therapy, medications, and other healing measures to help us process that energy in a healthy manner.

When I lost my best friend, I was numb. I was in shock at the transformation and progression of the events that happened. I was heartbroken that it ended the way it did. I was hurt and scared. I still am scared to reach out and build new relationships as a result. While these events were transpiring, I was working an intense schedule at my job – one that was more intense than normal. The stress from that was already impacting me, and then doubling up on this – it was a lot. One month went by, and the chaos hit the fan and caused an internal explosion in our friendship. Two months went by, and the friendship had ended. I was called a bad friend and a bad Christian. Four months have now came and went – and here I am. I am at peace that the friendship has ended, for I understand why it did and recognize that there was not going to be a mutual and respectful outcome for either person. And now, I am recognizing – I don’t know if I am. The main question that I keep asking myself is: Did I grieve this? The truth is I think I did – but just not in a typical way.

REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: Have you every experienced emotional numbness? What caused it? How did it make you respond?

How I Felt The Grief

For me, I believe I did grieve, but through the words of Solomon. Let me explain.

Mourning

While I didn’t cry (at least to my memory), I did mourn. I lost a person who did judge me for the different situations I was in or question my own ineptitude when it came to, what I felt, common sense information. I also got to let my guard down a little be more silly, be more childlike, and be more free. I got let my guard down for a bit and not be weary about what others would think about me for once. I was vulnerable, and then suddenly – it was gone. It was a like a whole part of my life was removed. A friendship that last for two years – gone, in a whirlwind of events. It was stressful. It distorted a view of relationships that had been stuck in a comfortable space for a long time. Over these four months, I did and have found peace and recognize that my processing was done in a way that was meant for me.

Reflecting and Worshiping

While I didn’t laugh, I did reflect. I remember those silly moments more. Singing to Hamilton and High School Musical 2. Laughing about those moments has made me remember how playful everything was. Just because of the stress and the heartache of how things ended, I’m not forgetting the memories. They made me understand who I am and who I want to be. There are decisions that have helped me grow, understand conflict, and recognizing how to be present in the stressful situation – and for that I am grateful. I am able to not leave the relationship in a place of malice and anger, for the good will always outweigh the bad. The cheering that’s mentioned wasn’t really a thing for me. I mean, who would celebrate the loss of a relationship. However, in a gratitude moment, I did celebrate the friendship for what it was. It was many years and many moments of highs, and I can only thank God for that.

Lamenting

I did lament. I found a lot of issues with my processing and how the situations were presented. The situations that caused the friendship to end led to a place where I was caught in the middle of things. I had no direct impact in the situation, for it was happening outside of my friend, but my relationship would have been severely impacted. I had a lot of time to reflect on the impact, and when asked if I would change how I would changed things – I wouldn’t have changed my final decision, but would have changed my process to get there. I would have been more neutral and removed. The background is that the reason for separation was an argument/discussion involving other friends. It didn’t involve me, but I was involved based on the roles I had/have. It’s changed my perspective on how to socially interact in moments of conflict.

REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: In your grieving, which one do you feel more? Lament/Crying or Laughing/Cheering?