Regret Can’t Rest Here || Where the Hurt Lives #4

Regrets Happen

Welcome back to “Where the Hurt Lives”. We’re taking an emotional look into what it means to grieve, based on my own unique grieving experience over the loss of a past friendship. In Part 3, we looked at the anger that grief can cause. We look at Peter’s experience in Mark 14:66-72, where he denied knowing Jesus multiple times out of fear, and then broke down when he realized Jesus prophesied his denial and Peter realized who Jesus was. Looking at Peter’s experience, we saw three things that came out of his anger:

• Denial – a defense mechanism where we refuse to recognize/acknowledge objective facts or experiences
• Nervousness – a distressing emotional state characterized by feelings of uneasiness and apprehension.
• Nervous Breakdown – a stressful situation when life’s demand become physically and emotionally overwhelming.

Peter denied knowing Jesus out of fear of what would happen him. Peter got nervous and snapped at the repetitive questions. Peter broke down when his reality was shown right before his own eyes. My own denial helped me recognize my acceptance. My nervousness has shown through the fear of creating new relationships. The aftermath recognized that I had to make a tough decision, and it’s one I do not regret.

In Part 4, we’re looking at regret and how grief can impact that. When we lose something like a person or a relationship, we can get getting into the “I wish…” thought loops. “I wish I would have chose this. I wish I was a better friend. I wish we talked more.” We can look back and wish we’d done things differently, often at a point when it’s too late. We’re going to land in 2 Corinthians 7:10 to talk about this.

REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: When you think about the regrets that have came with past losses, what impacts you the most? How do you move through those moments of regret?

Aligning our Grief to God

AMP – For [godly] sorrow that is in accord with the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation; but worldly sorrow [the hopeless sorrow of those who do not believe] produces death.

NRSVUE – For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation and brings no regret, but worldly grief produces death.

VOICE – Now this type of deep sorrow, godly sorrow, is not so much about regret; but it is about producing a change of mind and behavior that ultimately leads to salvation. But the other type of sorrow, worldly sorrow, often is fleeting and only brings death.

Grief that aligns with God’s will produces repentance without regret, which leads to salvation. Grief that aligns with the wore produces death. What I take from this at face value, is that our grief needs to align with God’s message of love, compassion, and mercy, for we will find healing in a way that lasts for eternity. Worldly grief can do that, but it can also lead to anger, isolation, and vitriol. Let’s look more at Paul’s words here to see what he has to say.

In the biblical context, godly sorrow is a deep, heartfelt remorse for sin that leads to a change in behavior and mindset. It connect back to the Old Testament (Joel 2:12-13), where repentance is connected to turning back to God. The Greek word for repentance – metanoia – suggests a complete change of mind and heart. It’s not just feeling regret or guilt, but it’s inviting a desire to restore your relationship with God.

The ultimate goal of this grief and repentance is salvation – deliverance from sin and its consequences. It’s a present reality where believers experience the transformation of Christ’s work in our lives. This repentance as being “without regret” which shows a sense of peace and assurance in one’s relationship with God. The absence of this regret suggests the completeness of God’s forgiveness and our freedom from the burden of our past sins. Worldly sorrow is characterized through a focus on ourselves and the consequences of sin instead of on God. This sorrow can lead to despair, guilt, and eternal separation because it lacks true repentance. The worldly sorrow is self-centered and doesn’t produce righteousness that comes from a genuine turn to God.

REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: Paul suggests that our grief needs to be aligned with God’s will on a personal level. How can you connect with God in your grief?

Breaking Down Regret

Paul shares with us that our grief needs to connect with God’s will so that we find a place of restoration in our relationship with God. If we align our grief with worldly values, then we find isolation, guilt, and eternal separation from God. The biggest thing for our conversation is that we can find salvation without regret. Let’s define regret a little further.

Regret is the Greek verb metamelomai (meh-tah-MEH-loh-my).It describes a change of feeling that leads to a change of mind. These are moments where our motives, not just actions are exposed. In Paul’s 2nd letter to the Corinthians, there can by a momentary regret over our own disciples, but the spiritual benefit outweighs the initial pain.

Per Psychology Today, regret is defined as a negative cognitive or emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been, or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made.

(Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201205/the-psychology-of-regret)

Regret Can’t Stay Here

Regret is a change, typically negative, that adjusts our feelings and minds. We tend to view regret in a bad outcome, in losses, and in decisions. Often, we don’t know those outcomes that we yearn for until we make the difficult decisions that eventually turn out negatively for us. Paul uses this regret to say that we need to use it to change our ways. To move from a worldly view of sorrow and grief, to an eternal restoration with God. For us, regret is an anxious loop, as I mentioned earlier.

Regret leads us to replay memories, conversations, and decisions over and over again. It makes us questions ourselves, and create anxiety and panic about how we maneuver through our future. It’s wild to think about how much regret can dominate our minds when we think about it. It’s why a lot of mindfulness tells us to stay in the present. We can’t change the past, and yearning for a change in the past, wouldn’t lead us to where we are. Life’s journeys are difficult. They can be painful, anxious, disastrous, and more. However, we learn from those hard decisions to get us to a better future. This is helpful no matter what age we’re at, and even when we feel “too old” to find these changes, we can then share it to the next decisions.

When it comes to my friendship ending, I had immense regret. It stemmed around this question: did I make the right decision? On face value, it boiled down to choosing between two very close friends. Every day that I felt myself moving towards the decision I chose, the more I doubted. Were they in the right? Were their actions valid? How do I truly feel about them? These questions and more became a constant spiral in my head. Now that four months have passed, I can say with confidence that I did make the right decision. The more the original drama has played out, the more I recognize that they were creating harmful situations out of spite and revenge. The more I create the distance from it, the more comfort I find in the people that I chosen. It was truly a case of a chosen family that I found here. I may have lost 2-3 close friends as a result of my decisions, I have gained 20-30 good friends at the same time. Our friend community that I stayed in walked through this stressor and have came out the other side, meeting new people, creating new relationships, and are growing together in beautiful and unique ways. Ways that leave me hopeful and excited for what the future looks like.

REFLECTION CHECKPOINT: Regret creates reflection, not a return point. We cannot turn back to change past decisions, but we can reflect and move forward for a better future. How have you used your regret to shape future decisions?